North of the Border

The Prawn¹ fell madly in love with the Cat
And the Cat with the Prawn was smitten
And so they got married and soon begat
A lovely fluffy Pritten

But no one was there to tell them so
As they spoiled it with this thing and that,
That the Pritten as it became older would grow
Into a useless Prat.

Jim Hayes

Note 1 This is an old Scots word for pawn. Sometimes young Scots use it also, as in ‘It’s a bra bricht moonlicht nicht and I’m prromotin’ m’prrawn’.

South of the Border

I swallowed a pawn last Sunday
Sure my language it was violet,
But it turned out right
The next club night
I got a passed pawn in the toilet.

Jim Hayes

Illustration by Gerrard Oswald

First published in Kingpin 28 (Spring 1998)