Kingpin is privileged to be the first site to publish part of the Official Souvenir Transcript of the 2013 London Classic.

(tape shows a stage with chess tables, too many chairs, irritated-looking GMs. A gaunt figure strides into their midst)

Welcome to the 2013 London Chess Classic Super Sixteen. My name is Malcolm Pein and I’m the executive director of Chess in Schools and Communities. We’ll be getting under way shortly but first

(children swarm onto stage)

– er, no, don’t sit there – that’s the England number one’s seat

(child stays in chair)

er, look, I’m sorry, can someone just –

(more children and helpers appear, elbowing GMs aside) 

Right, so, if the five of you can just squeeze in there next to Vishy then if any of you know the moves play one on the board and Luke will help you three decide on, er – oh, you want to play that do you, er

(hand-held camera lurches around noisy melee; cut to woman droning about chess in the curriculum; tape ends and gaunt figure reappears live)

Right well, we’re now ready to start play in round 3 of the London Chess Classic Super Sixteen but first can I just remind those of you watching online that by donating to Chess in Schools and Communities you’ll be making it possible  for us to run this event for ever. Right, start the clocks!

(live streaming goes dead for about an hour and a quarter then flickers back to life)

Right well, some extraordinary chess there. I’m sure you’ll want to show your appreciation of the remarkable entertainment you’ve just had and details on how to donate are at our site. I understand there may have been one or two technical problems for the online audience with no livestream and the commentary team’s analysis board not working but this is a very good cause and the following short film about our charity will take us up to the start of round 4.

(Anand explains they have a similar project in India but without the cock-ups; live streaming shows arbiter starting clocks then cuts out, returning a couple of days later)

Well, an absolutely extraordinary semi-final. I’m sure the online audience will know by now how to show its appreciation. In fact there’s a tweet just come in – er, what’s that – “You run it this way for ever you die” – Ha ha, er hmm, well. Anyway my name is Malcolm Pein and I’m the executive director of, er – what? Oh right, I see – er – can I use another microphone . . .